The Leadership of Showing Up
No one applauds the mom who shows up for the 109th practice.
No one hands you a trophy for sitting in the carpool line again.
But heaven sees it.
Here is the truth: the most powerful leadership in a young woman’s life often happens behind closed doors. It is unseen, unpaid, unrecognized work that is eternally significant.
I am starting a new series called The Leadership No One Applauds because it is easy to feel like your efforts are meaningless when you don’t see the fruits of your labor immediately (or ever) and you don’t have a cheerleading squad on standby to recognize and validate you This series is for the frustrated dads, the frazzled youth leaders and especially for the exhausted moms that are sometimes holding it together by the thinnest of margins, but still smile through it all. I see you. And to be honest, I am you so often.
I see it too. I see the eye rolls that come as easy as a reflex, the silence between you that is only broken with the voices of the next ridiculous IG video or casino themed game tones. I hear the “I know, mom!” that seems to roll off the tongue on auto-pilot and the occasional slammed door. There are even those times that you are watching her in awe and love, but feel like her phone is a few notches higher than you on the totem pole of priority.
You are not alone, but what do you do?
Let’s start with one of the quietest leadership habits you practice with your children and that is the art of just showing up.
Showing up to get them that forgotten permission slip or vital homework page that was left on the kitchen counter. Showing up to see them in the play where they have no lines or the one they spent weeks and months rehearsing for. In a mother’s heart, they somehow carry equal weight. Maybe you are showing up for the 3rd sports event, practice or parent club meeting of the week, but you show up. Every time, you show up.
I have written before about a sign that resides in my bathroom next to the sink that reads:
“In order to be in her memories tomorrow, you need to be in her life today”
This is obviously true, but in a distracted world, this is less and less clear since we all know that you can be physically present without even being in the same zip code mentally or emotionally.
Deuteronomy 6:7 (ESV) says,
"You shall teach them [the commandments] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."
You know what all that talking, walking, sitting, lying down and rising up adds up to? A lot of showing up and being present with your kids.
You might be asking, “Nellie, where in the chaos of my every day can I even find this time?”
I promise you; it’s already there; you may have just not recognized it yet. It is the car rides (average parent has 4-5 hours in the car with their child every week), the meals, the mundane dish washing sessions and sorting laundry piles. It is asking about her friendships and relationships, school, hobbies, wonders and frustrations all while taking the dogs on a walk. Be present in the moment whenever you can and make sure it happens, even just a little bit, every day.
Try these 5 strategies the next time you make yourself available for her:
- ask questions
- listen more than you speak
- explore deeper
- be interested in her world (even when you are not), and
- teach through stories
I highly encourage weekly one on one time with each of your children as well. It is time set aside and protected for connection to just talk about whatever the time asks of you. Maybe a hard conversation, maybe you share funny stories of your childhood or maybe she is showing you something she has been working on or needs help with. It is a sacred time for just the two of you.
Showing up is not passive. It is intentional leadership. It is how values are transferred, identity is formed, and faith becomes lived instead of lectured.
She may or may not look back and remember the kitchen convos, the umpteen million times you showed up when she needed you or when you were there just to cheer her on. She may or may not recall each passenger seat prattle you shared or every one on one time you spent nestled in her room, but the connection you build in these moments will be the foundation of trust and security she needs.
Showing up is not small leadership.
It is the quiet construction of her future.
And one day, she will stand on what you built.
