The Crisis of Being Left on "Read"!

If you have a daughter, or are around youth in ANY capacity, it is impossible to miss the conversations about being left on “read”. 

What does this mean?

It means that your daughter sent a text message and the someone on the other side read it, but did NOT respond.  (note… on any iphone you don’t even have to be on “read”, you can just be on “delivered” and the same cascade of emotions can occur because on those phones you are able to “see” a message without technically opening it)

WHY is this such a big deal??? Let’s dive into the heart, and brain, of it.

Remember those pillars of worth?

To be seen, heard, loved, belong and have purpose?

Well, let’s look at those in this context.

(Sidenote: I am not here to justify a meltdown when your girl is left on “read”, but I am here to explain it and help you better understand so you can guide her better.)

1. She can feel invisible- (this is where the term “ghosted” comes from)
2. She can feel ignored or silenced
3. She can feel unloved
4. She can feel rejected or, at best, a low priority

She can unknowingly easily slip down the emotional slip n’ slide and conclude she is unworthy of that person’s time, attention, affection, understanding, kindness, love etc..

Think about it like this…  They are standing face to face, she says something while the other person looks away and pretends not to hear a word.  In a world that is more and more equally valuing text and the spoken word, especially in our adolescents that have had this their entire lives, the reactions have become equated as well.

On top of this there are 3 things she is also contending with. 

1. Where she is in her hormone cycle- hello Luteal Linda! This is the most emotionally charged state and can last up to 10 days on average.  It is just a reality friends.
2. The degree of vulnerability that was sent in the original text directly corresponds to the emotional fallout of being left on “read” and it isn’t your idea of what is vulnerable, but hers. “Hey!  Wanna hangout tonight?”  may not seem like a “heart on the sleeve” message for you but could have been for her.
3. Human brains do not like open loops and unanswered questions. This is a big one.  A brain perceives unanswered questions as a threat and will make up an answer if not furnished with one (it’s called instinctive elaboration and it ALWAYS has an answer)!  If there is an info gap, we will fill it and we fill it with the only thing we know… our "go-to's" from past experiences and knowledge.  Unfortunately, this gift is much more elaborate in the female than the male brain.  So, that could look like,

“They don’t want to hang out with me because they don’t like me!”

“They are all conspiring against me and talking behind my back!”

“That friendship/relationship is over!”

“They are dead in a ditch somewhere!”

“I did something/ said something wrong!”

Is it rational? No.  But let’s face it, the brain doesn’t play the rational card, especially when it comes to threats and especially in an adolescent, under construction brain (note: this is true even outside of adolescence, especially for those with a substantial pain bank in life's experiences.)

“Angry babies cry louder than happy ones!”.  What does that mean?  It means that she may have the fleeting rational thought, like they saw it and had to go take care of some other pressing matter, but that doesn’t give her brain the exciting cortisol and norepinephrine bath the way the other stories do. 

This is why it is imperative to have a foundation in her life that is bigger than her stories and she KNOWS her worth from Christ before seeking it in other people.  Knowing this will not stop the process, but it will give her something to hold onto that lets her know she is ok, worthy, cherished and chosen in the midst of it.

How to help her-

1.  Remind her of the pillars of her worth and talk through how she IS seen, heard, loved, belongs and has purpose.
2.  Walk through her “gap filler” stories with her (ie. rejection, abandonment, isolated etc.) and ask, is this really true?
3.  Remind her she is God’s creation and Jesus’ friend and He is always available.
4.  Practice good texting habits with not leaving others on “read” while being honest with them. If you can’t answer right away that is ok, but get back in a reasonable time (maybe 24 hours), apologize if necessary or just sent a quick message when you see it that says something like, “I can’t answer right now, but I will get back as soon as I can! 🙂”.  Emoji’s can help and were originally created so people could better read the tone of the sender.

Has texting gotten out of hand?  Absolutely.  But, is this the world she lives in?  Absolutely, and instead of shaming, mocking, ignoring or giving her another “back in my day” story, you can guide and equip her to be stronger in the moment and for next time.