Observing the Wild from the Lido Deck

 Call me crazy, but I love watching a good nature documentary.  They are interesting, dramatic, full of action and there are always moments of awe and bewilderment.  But, let me just say that there are few things more wild and bewildering than a cruise ship Lido deck on spring break!  Last week I took one of my 17-year-old daughters on our mother/daughter trip, and it was an amazing time full of big laughs [anyone that knows Trinity, knows the humor that comes with her] and even bigger adventures and experiences.

Between the jet-skis, rock climbing, ice skating, flow-rider, escape rooms, waterslides and countless ice cream cones I did a lot of just watching.  Trinity and I would play the “what is their story” game a lot, which always led to more laughs. But, since my entire life professionally and personally revolves around the lives of young women, I couldn’t help but be drawn to watching their stories unfold most.  From my deck chair I observed the way they presented themselves, interacted, reacted and the things they did when they thought no one was watching. 

With every young woman I saw, there were two questions that kept running in my mind..

1. What is she trying to say to the world vs. what IS she saying to the world about herself?

2. What does she need right now?

Many of these young women were physically confident.  That part was clear at least on the surface.  But what was also clear was that many of them were mentally, emotionally and/or spiritually unsteady at best.  How did I know this when these factors are mostly unseen to the naked eye?  But, are they?  Matthew 7:16-20 says otherwise.  You are recognized by your fruit. 

When I worked for an aquarium years ago, one of our whales was pregnant and I was on the observation team.  Each of our shifts would last for hours and hours around the clock as we sat there in her last few months of gestation and marked every action she did on a chart.  These were just observations for data collection, not judgements.  When I was sitting there watching these young women on the cruise, the observations that would go on my “obs” chart would look like: Immature gesture, sad body language, angry body language, rude attitude/words, entitled attitude/words, kind behavior, smiling with full face vs. smiling with just mouth, obnoxious behavior etc.. 

Though many of them had an outside that would cause envy in the comparison game women play, the inside looked like something many would run away from if they knew the real, raw, unscripted truth.  Most of the time she may be feeling sad, alone , unnoticed, unprepared for life, not good enough and like she has to spend every moment exhaustingly chasing her worth.

One young woman we were on a small craft with had the hair, the nails, the body, the perfect complexion, the guasha’d cheek bones, the high-end bikini and all.of.it! But the moment she tried to put on a life jacket to have the adventure we were all there for she took it off and wouldn’t participate because she didn’t like the look and feel of the life jacket.  I saw her sitting on the boat while I snorkeled with my daughter and saw all the fish dancing under our toes.  On the way back to the dock, wind whipping in every direction, she sat in the sun at the very front of the boat as the focal point for 30 or so of us while she combed her hair.  It was a futile effort, but she seemed to desperately drive the comb through the tangled strands more aggressively and irritated with every turn of the wind. 

She wasn’t kind to her family, the staff or other guests, but I couldn’t help but feel for her.  She was chasing worth in the shallows of vanity and outward appearance while inside she was crying out “See me!”, “Tell me I matter!”, “Hear me!”, “Look at me!”.  She didn’t know how to achieve these things outside of being loud, pretty or having an attitude and unfortunately, she was one of many I saw stuck in this same condition.

What are we, as the generations above her, preparing her for?  Short term and shallow relationships that can’t successfully communicate and don’t know how to sacrifice and compromise with one another?  Short term success stunted by perfection, lack of work ethic or commitment issues?  The worst and most dangerous part is that she thinks she is set up for the life to come, but the world is waiting to devour young women like her.  1 Peter 5:8 talks about the how the enemy prowls like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour and the biggest tools in the enemy’s arsenal are deception, perfectionism, people pleasing, distraction, identity shifting, comparison and the anxiety that accompanies them all.

So, what can we do? 

We can guide our few. 

Maybe that is your child, your student(s), your youth group or your athlete(s)… but you guide your few.   How?  Start here…

1. Listening and asking questions – You need to be interested in her world, her experiences and her perspectives because if you don’t know what they are you cannot help shape and mold them into a strong foundation she can rely on in life.
2. Helping her KNOW her worth- She should never have to question her worth. It comes first from the Lord and then through the Lord’s people… you and me.  In the garden Adam had all of God and was in perfect relationship with him and it was good, but God realized it was not good for Adam to be alone.  When He created Eve to be with Adam it was very good.  We need both God and people.
3. Having the exhausting convos when need be- When you have a child you are singing a contract for the long haul. There is no short cut through parenting and leading adolescents.  It takes all the fruit of the spirit, (which is why it is so important that you are in a good spiritual place in order to guide them).  It isn’t about short-term control in the moment, as tempting as that can be many times, it is about taking the time you have to do the things you have been given responsibility to steward.
4. Don’t be what you are trying to stop her from being or becoming. She watches your example more than anything.  If she is being short or rude while piling up a wall between you, you can’t tear down that wall by being short and rude.  She will watch your response and learn from your temperament and choices much more than just your words.
5. Teaching her the WHY. The era of every direction being followed with “why” and “because I said so” ended a while ago.  Not that every request demands a long-winded explanation in the moment, but to teach you do need to explain why.  When I was young, I walked into the middle of the road in front of our quaint yellow and white trailer.  My mom was so angry and telling me I couldn’t do that. But if that is all she said I would not have learned what could happen when you cross the street with traffic.  The why is important and the why is where growth and learning takes place!

To that young women on the boat combing through her wind whipped hair… to the thousands of others I saw last week and frankly all around every day, I pray you have someone in your life that can guide you to Him and let you know you are worth so much more than what you have been told and shown you have to chase in this world.  John 3:16 says it all. 

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son,

that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life”.

You are already loved.