The Maturity of Goodness, Kindness and Gentleness

Have you ever read through the fruit of the spirit and mumbled through goodness, kindness and gentleness like they were one big lump together?  Aren’t they all about the same thing?  We certainly have used them interchangeably in our culture and I know that when “Be good”, “Be kind” or “Be gentle” rolled off my tongue as a mom of 4 toddler girls they all meant, “Please don’t smack your sister in the face and grab that toy!”.

The truth is, these three attributes of the Spirit, and of maturity, are actually very distinct from one another and you are about to understand why!

Lets look at the true (biblical) definitions…

Goodness (agathōsynē) is your inner world, your character and state of being upright and holy. 

Kindness (chrēstotēs) is the outward expression of that inner goodness.  It is meeting others' needs with love.

Gentleness (from prautēs) describes the manner in which that kindness is delivered- it is a humble, mild, and controlled way of handling situations and people, even when provoked.

In other words, goodness is the motive, kindness is the action, and gentleness is the spirit guiding and delivering the goodness from within you to another.  These are ALL done in reflection of God's character. 

Here is a hard, make your brain tingle, truth… you ready?

                                               THERE IS NO GOOD WITHOUT GOD.

What???

Not true Nellie!

I know plenty of people that do not know God, but they are kind and deliver goodness with gentleness, you say.

I know!  I know. I get it.  It is easy to observe this on the surface where we can see, but in truth, there is one of two things at work here.

1. Just because a person does not know God (yet), does not mean that God can’t or won’t work through them!

Ephesians 4:6 says there is “one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” and we know Romans 8:28 says that “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

So, who is to say that God isn’t working through a non-believer for a believer (and showing that non-believer the way too?)  Sound like the most complicated jig saw puzzle ever?  It is because it is, and I am glad that God is in charge of that multibillion piece giant and not me!  I tried a 1000 piece puzzle last weekend and my brain hurt.

2. The motive behind their kindness is not true goodness. It is actually self-serving.  Ouch! But, how often do we see this?  And let’s be honest… you have probably seen this inside and outside of the church doors and probably even inside yourself on occasion.  This is like a sweet, thin, candy coating of kindness poured atop a self – righteous sour gummy.  Not so good to consume, but it looks good on the outside!

I honestly think that Elphaba says it best in the song No Good Deeds from Wicked (which I did see and love btw, anyone else?  Great piece of creativity.)

Part of the song goes…

One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all good deeds are
Maybe that's the reason why

No good deed goes unpunished
All helpful urges should be circumvented
No good deed goes unpunished
Sure, I meant well -
Well, look at what well-meant did:
All right, enough - so be it
So be it, then:
Let all Oz be agreed
I'm wicked through and through
Since I can not succeed
Fiyero, saving you
I promise no good deed
Will I attempt to do again
Ever again
No good deed
Will I do again!

In the first act of the production she was also singing about how great she could be and how there would be a day throughout Oz all to do with… yep… her. 

Now this is fictional of course, but doesn’t it ring true so often? There is a difference between acting so that something will reflect good on yourself and doing good because it is the right things to do.

Check your motivation!

            Going back to our hard truth above, that there is no good without God, Romans 3:10-12 says, "As it is written: 'There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.'" (which is also a reflection of Psalm 14:3)

            Romans 7:18 reiterates "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." And finally, Jesus himself says in Luke 18:19, "No one is good—except God alone." 

There is no good without God.

There is nothing within our flesh that is inherently good.  We are made in His image so even our spirit echos the knowledge of right and wrong, good and bad because our spirit yearns to be aligned with His.  But, God really brings the good within us when we ask, accept His sacrifice and submit to Him as savior of our lives and sometimes even when he is using unbelievers to bring good to His people.

What about kindness? 

Let’s ask this question… does unkindness ever directly produce good things?  No.

God can work all things for good, but there is not a direct link from unkindness to good. 

Kindness is what you decide to do with your goodness.  It is the action.  The what.

I will serve.  I will propose.  I will worship.  I will open their door for them.  I will go and check on that person who seems upset.  Etc.

You are given so much creativity allowance with your kindness.  There are a million ways to be kind every day!  What a fun blessing.

Ephesians 4:32- "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you"                    

Then we have gentleness…

Gentleness is the delivery system of kindness that elicits safety and security to the recipient.  It is the how.

Can you imagine someone harshly yelling at you as they told you how amazing you are and how much they love and adore you?  It would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it?

Tone and body language make up the vast majority of communication, in fact it is as high as 93%  (55% body language + 38% tone), with only 7% coming from the spoken words.  Wow!!! 

Pop quiz- Can you have gentleness without kindness? 

Have you ever had a child “apologize” and they were not ready to truly mean it at all?  Or someone saying something gently that is not kind? Yup.  It can be done, but is it genuine or good?  No. 

You need goodness, kindness and gentleness because they are all part of God’s character and since we are created in His image we are not whole, or living our potential, without them.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"

OK, now that we know the differences between these three attributes, what can we do with them as leaders of our youth?

How can you lead and teach youth in goodness, kindness and gentleness?

Remember that the youth that you love and lead are always watching you and learning from you.  Stay away from Philippians 2:3-4 selfishness, 

 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Walk in love and servanthood toward others.

The best way to teach this to your children is through:

1. Example
2. Asking a lot of questions to help them think of ways to utilize these three attributes.
   1. Do you think that was good?
   2. What do you think would be a good response to this?
   3. Do you think that was a kind choice of words?
   4. How do you think you could have said that better?
3. Guiding them on next and better steps

Let’s look at a few simple wins in each of these attributes to think about.

GOODNESS- Always be on the lookout for good to do.  Be intentional and purpose driven for good.  Remember that God is good, so pursuing good (in a healthy manner without making it an idol) is pursuing God. 

Sacrifice your comfort for others regularly, spread and amplify joy and not strife, assist others, teach and mentor, care and listen.  Ask yourself how to be more like Christ from the inside out.

KINDNESS- Choose your words and actions carefully.  Because people cannot be in the crowded arena of your head with you, they will only know you by your words and actions.  Choose them with wise intention.  Observe those you admire in the kindness department and study the kindness of Christ, even when he was frustrated, being hurt, teaching and rebuking. 

GENTLENESS-

One of the worst things we can do for youth today is let them get away with speaking or behaving with a harsh or bad attitude and tone because it is one of the biggest things that will hold them down in life.  A quick test for yourself, and your youth, is to see if people feel safe and secure in your presence.  Do they open up, seem relaxed or do you put people on guard and feel like they need to protect themselves?

And yes…  even people in authority and all the best leaders are good, kind and gentle. 

They are the why, what and how of pouring out God's love and guidance to others.

For our good and His glory!

"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers"  - Galatians 6:10