What “F Word” Are You?

 Ummmmm…. Nellie, what did you just ask me?

No, I don’t mean THAT, but I do want to see what “f word” you and the young women you lead are.

First, a quick history lesson.

Most of us have heard of “fight or flight”, right?  This is what I grew up learning in my most basic psych classes and even into higher level classes.  This term was coined by an American physiologist named Walter Cannon in the 1920’s.  This was the standard for over 50 years, but as studies were underway it was discovered that “freeze” was another stress and trauma response that came alongside the two already known and very documented responses.  Then, 20 years later, “fawn” came along (nope, not the baby deer kind).  Who knows what will come next, but the experts think they have it pretty well established at this point.  We will see!

All four of these responses are distinct ways the body and mind react to perceived threats or danger. Notice the word “perceived”.  It doesn’t matter if the threat is real or not so much, the body reacts the same.  Like when your kid jumps out to scare you and your body reacts.  It doesn’t matter if it was a real chainsaw master out to get you or not, you react.  Worry and anxiety, which can feel like worry on steroids, are also triggers because your body reacts the same whether it is really happening, or you just think it is or even if it is good or bad. 

Years ago, a friend of mine was getting married and her body started reacting in very challenging ways.  A mutual friend told her that even though this was “good stress” it is still stress and your body is responding.  I always remember that in seasons of chaos in my life, which to be fair… when you are raising 4 young women chaos becomes all too familiar.

Let’s separate out these four stress responses:

• Fight involves confronting the threat
• Flight involves escaping the threat
• Freeze involves becoming immobile and unresponsive hoping the threat will go away
• Fawn involves trying to appease or accommodate the threat to avoid conflict and quickly move on. 

So how does this all work?  Let me pretend to be Miss Frizzle and walk you through it! (Magic School Bus anyone?)

1. First, there is some sort of perceived threat through environment or a thought process.
2. Amygdala & Hypothalamus (in the Limbic System of the Brain) are Triggered: The amygdala (emotional center) sends a signal to the hypothalamus (controls basic body functions) indicating a threat. 
3. Stress Hormone Release: The hypothalamus triggers the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol
4. Response: Adrenaline increases heart rate, blood pressure, and energy levels, preparing the body to react. Cortisol increases blood sugar, boosts brain activity, and suppresses non-essential functions like digestion. 
5. Memory and Fear: The amygdala also instructs the hippocampus (memory center) to remember the stressful event (so we don’t repeat it especially if it caused us harm). 

A person will not always have the same response depending on season of life, situation, environment and other factors.  Interestingly, what you reflexively use is not a conscious decision. Understanding these responses, however, can help you and those you love and lead identify and manage their reactions to stress and potentially develop more adaptive and personal communication, connection and coping strategies.  How?

Communication

Understanding how you react to stress and not letting it be a surprise to you or those around you can be so helpful.

Example 1- “I am getting super stressed right now and I do not want to say or do something I regret, so I am going to take a break and let’s talk about this in about an hour, okay?”

Example 2- “My brain is so frazzled right now that I cannot think straight, so instead of saying things before I can even think about them, let me have a minute to collect myself please.”

Example 3- “If I take the easy route and give into this, I will be reinforcing unhealthy choices and habits and I love you too much to do that to you, so as hard as it is, this is what we are going to do.”

Connection

Having real conversations to get to know one another and their response to stress in different situations and environments can be bonding and you can also create teaching moments when you are watching others to help prepare them for relationships down the line.

Example1- “What do you think your stress responses are?  What do you think mine are? How can we steer these natural reflexes in a healthier direction?”

Example 2- “What do you think their response was?  Do you think they used that response in the best way?”  (when watching other people or even a show)

Coping

Knowing yourself and what you need, while not locking yourself under a title or in a box forever is a real superpower.  There are seasons and situations that will trigger different responses and needs, but the more you know, the better you can help yourself through them.

What a Fighter needs:

Focus on the problem at hand and don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill, calming coping mechanisms like breathing, physical exercise or some centering music or habits that ground them, prayer and getting in the Word and being very intentional about next steps.

What a Fleer needs:

Journaling, a timer to come back to the issue at hand, prayer and getting in the Word, an accountability partner, not to be interrupted or ridiculed because they will run away again.  Weekly times where everything is put on the table, so they are not under the weight or bringing something up to the other.

What a Freezer needs:

I actually witnessed this not long ago and it was a unique experience.  This person literally froze and couldn’t respond, have eye contact or process.  Like anything frozen, they need to thaw.  For some they need hugs and just to be held and for others they need/want zero personal touch.  This is why communication is key so you can help and guide someone through.  It is really a good idea to have a scripture verse on hand for these people that they can recite it in their head as they are trying to cope and come back into the present time.  Then gradually come up with a one step in front of the other plan with no more than 3 steps given at a time, but best to stay with 1 or 2. 

What a Fawner needs:

This person needs to practice future projections.  If I do this now, will this help or hinder her future self or even myself?  The answer to appeasement and enabling is usually going to be a “no”, but it does have its times for sure.   Fawners need to develop perspective, have accountability partners and not slip into people pleasing and codependence.  A small group is good for everyone, but especially this group because they need to know it is ok not to give in and it is a place to find direction.  Reading and getting into the Word, especially in areas where it feeds into your strength like 2 Timothy 1:7 are great to have on hand.

So, what “F word” are you?  Now you know how to build communication, connection and coping skills from this place that your brain goes on auto pilot for. 

I am mostly a fighter with my husband (unless it is past 7pm-ish), a fleer with friends and a freezer or fawner with my kids, but they all depend on other factors too.  But, recognizing what you are slipping into and being able to use it in a healthy way is a superpower in all relationships!

 To learn more about these and so much more about how to love and lead the next generation please reach out and connect to discuss next steps and options for your and her success!