The Leadership of Correction

Discipline is one of the most constant forms of leadership in your daughter’s life.

And one of the easiest to get wrong.

It isn’t about punishment, shame, blame or guilt.  Discipline, at its core, is about teaching and training for life.  If you are a mom or mentor of a teen girl, then you are in that training arena right now. 

School is not her only learning space.  In fact, her largest learning space is in your kitchen, your car and in your living room.  When was the last time you had to recite a geometry formula or restate the US presidents in order? Now let me ask you the last time you had to deal with a difficult person, handle conflict resolution, do something you didn’t want to do or had to organize something?

I am not saying that school doesn’t matter, because it certainly does, but I am saying that academic training has its place and life training has an even bigger place in her life.

We have a saying in our house, especially as the baton of responsibility is being passed on in the second part of the 6570, that is,

“Discipline yourself so others don’t have to”

That is the goal, right?  To teach them how to discern and discipline themselves in life so they are making the decisions that will drive them forward, share light and love with others and fulfil great purpose with joy?

Jim Rohn has my favorite definition of discipline, which is,

“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment”

During the first part of childhood, you are the bridge.

During the second part, you are teaching her how to build and walk it on her own.

That process is not smooth.

It’s back and forth.
Training and releasing.
Guiding and stepping back.

And this is where friction shows up.

This is where it becomes easy to slip into punishment, shame, blame, or guilt.

But that was never the goal.

I want to peel apart two often intertwined concepts for you:

Punishments are often emotional, heat-of-the-moment reactions—
either too extreme or never followed through.

(“You are never leaving the house again!”)

Consequences are different.

They are calm.
Pre-decided when possible.
Connected to the behavior.
And designed to teach.

(“You didn’t complete your responsibilities, so tomorrow you will take on additional ones.”)

Here are a few discipline go-to’s in your leadership journey:

• Never use negative “you are” statements (“You are mean,” “You are obnoxious”). These become internal “I am” statements that tend to be very sticky. Instead say, “You are being…” or “You are behaving…”. This separates identity from behavior.
• Do not speak when you are not calm. Neither of you can think clearly in a heightened state. Pause. Regulate. Then lead.
• Ask questions. What need is underneath this choice or behavior? To be seen, heard, loved, belong, or have purpose? Navigate a more healthy way to get that need fulfilled.
• Help her see where her choices are leading. Every decision is taking her somewhere.

Though discipline is rarely the most enjoyable part of raising and leading our daughters…

It is one of the most important.

Hebrews 12:11 reminds us:

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

This is not about controlling her behavior in the moment.

This is about shaping who she becomes.

Correction is not just short-term management.

It is long-term formation.

And this is the leadership no one applauds…

But it is the leadership that builds her future.